10 Tips For Dealing With Anger In Your Family
Posted: Sunday, October 26, 2008
by Sylvia Dickens
Hale Publishing
It can be difficult dealing with anger if there is an underlying cause that hasn't been addressed, such as frustration. Frustration is common when times get tough and we feel we cannot cope or find solutions. If family members feel their concerns are not recognized, this can trigger frustration and anger too.
Throw stress and depression into the mix and you have the makings of a dysfunctional family.
There are many reasons why family members do not communicate well. It can occur from an inability to express their thoughts and feelings effectively. They might be so focused on their own concerns that they do not consider the views of others.
This lack of communication and the resulting frustration and anger often leads to hurt feelings. In severe cases, marriages break up because they cannot get past their anger and disagreements.
The first solution is to look at problems from a different perspective. If you arrive home stressed and tired, only to be bombarded with your spouse's daily problems, it's quite likely that you are in no condition to listen. Your spouse determines that you are uncaring and becomes angry.
Rather than address this situation directly, you get into an argument over it. The argument might simmer for weeks or months until one day, you have a big flare-up and storm out.
Finding ways to express your feelings at the time can quickly calm any dissention. Let your spouse know that you need time to wind down and relax, and then you will be better able to listen and offer support.
When things are out of control and anger is a common occurrence in your family, it's time for everyone to step back and consider each other's viewpoints, opinions and feelings. If you lose your temper, consider how it appears to the rest of the family. Most likely they have no idea why you are upset.
Rather than opening up communications, they are more likely to avoid you. This can gradually pull the family apart.
Here are some points to consider.
- Accept that you cannot suppress all your anger. Everyone has bad days; they get angry.
- Persistent anger will make your children fearful, withdrawn and possibly anxious and depressed.
- Remind yourself to calm down and be compassionate about your family's feelings.
- Listening is as vital as expressing your feelings. Good listening skills does wonders.
- Get your point across calmly and respectfully. Do not raise your voice to make your point.
- Expect to have your ideas rejected and accept it gracefully.
- Compromise is a good thing. That way, everyone gets a small piece of the pie.
- Try to understand the source of the anger, so you can find solutions together.
- Let your spouse know that you are trying to change and you will gain support in your efforts.
- If anger turns violent or persists, consider seeking help from a counselor, doctor, or therapist.
Get the facts about teen depression. See Sylvia's new ebook, "Understanding Adolescence: A Guide to Teenage Depression and Suicide". It provides a complete overview of the transition teens experience as they move between childhood and adulthood and the emotional upheaval that goes with it. Her site includes more information on depression and anxiety relief.
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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)Great article - very well written. I grew up in an emotionally toxic family that did not understand the things you write about. The result for me was about a third of the time I was withdrawn, another third I was angry, and another third I tried to communicate. My reaching out was not met with an effort to understand me. Nothing improved with my parents.I spent a lot of time reflecting on life. I eventually figured out that my parents lack of communication skills was caused by the simple fact that both parents were emotionally immature - like children. I did not have the power to change that. I then realized something that helped me a lot. The way they treated me was purely about them. It was never about me. How could it be about me when they could not see who I was, through their emotional fog. That realization allowed me to let go of wanting their approval or understanding. I was able to see them for who they still are today - a couple of small children in "grown up" bodies.Today, when I talk to each of my parents, who are divorced, I know I am talking to a small child. I don't talk to them about emotional stuff, because they cannot handle it.I finally understand each of my parents, and when I talk to them I stay within what I know they can handle. Privately, I don't see them as my parents anymore, because they are not emotionally supportive or understanding. They are simply two people who are strangers to me, but strangers I have "known" all my life. As strange as that may sound, it describes my relationship with them perfectly. Great article.I'm glad you found my article informative. Your story probably relates to a lot of people. What we, especially as children, do not grasp is that our parents are the result of their parents. If children live in a negative, uncommunicative family, they are more likely to end up the same way. We learn from our parents... the good and the bad. Parents who have low self esteem will be more focused on themselves and will likely take whatever approach necessary to protect what little self esteem they have left. They do this by putting their children's efforts down, by showing little support or encouragement. One day, those children who are fortunate do develop a mature attitude and realize the truth. Their parents no longer affect them as they once did. Knowing this gives children from those environments the insight to become better parents themselves.Sylvia
Thanks for your comments. I have studied my parents as well as my grandparents, both sides. Both of my parents gave to me more than they got from their own parents, even though I received very little. I have decided I will be the person who breaks this long domino effect.One benefit that did come from all of this is I am able to see the deeper side of people very quickly, because I reached the deeper parts of myself. When my own emotional fog surfaces, I can recognize it and be aware that I could be seeing others through it. I usually wait until it fades before I believe what I am perceiving.Thanks for your comments - Have a great day.
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